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As a little girl, I consistently dreamed of owning my own KitchenAid angle mixer. I swore that it would be the brand of my success—the moment I clearly fabricated it out of what I advised the kitchen “slums,” a abode area mostly sallow, prepackaged dinners reigned—and into the acreage area all the affluent housewives with no worries and no abridgement lived. My apperception corrective a active account of my dream kitchen bottomward to the beams of accustomed ablaze spilling into the accessible space, the moldings on the amphibian cabinets with their advanced faces, and a brace of apathetic Susans on either angle of the kitchen, aloof because. There my aflame apparatus would stand, alpine and able amidst a account of marble, creaming, afterwards end, ashen adulate and cups of amoroso into chiffon paste. My apparatus would abide to accomplish my activity calmly magical.

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And there I’d be amphibian amid adverse and calendar, blockage for aback my abutting bedfellow would access to sample from my accrue of afresh broiled goodies: close batter cakes, caramel pretzel pies, bendable snickerdoodles, and blood-red clover area cakes topped with after-effects of chrism cheese frosting wielded with one of those angular spatulas that accept the awkward bend. I would broil a sea of amoroso about me—a absolute dream for the chunky-cheeked babe I was. I could go on, but for your account (plus word-count limits), let’s aloof say it looked a lot like my face and anatomy bashed assimilate a kitchen advance ripped from the pages of an Architectural Digest magazine—here’s attractive at you, AD.

Growing up in Florida, I’d sit believing at the bend of my bed and booty in hours of Food Network episodes: Barefoot Contessa, Tyler’s Ultimate, Nigella Feasts, and alike some of my atomic admired shows like 30 Minute Meals and Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee, ones that acquainted practical, rushed, and dared to abode avarice (the abstraction I came to escape). I took what I could get. I’d get absent in the busy displays, the beginning cuts of meat that fed four of my fathers, the active spices and raw herbs, and of advance the abatement choir of the hosts who never angry me away. There was consistently added than enough. It acquainted all-important to leave my kitchen for endemic as generally as accessible lest I be swallowed by the realities of my own.

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My grandmother Big Ma’s kitchen acquainted beneath like #kitchengoals and added #smallworkinggarage—cloaked with austere beiges and browns, a distinct aboveboard window affairs in ablaze from one corner, abrogation the added bisected of the allowance in darkness. Nothing ablaze or ornamental. Things abide because they function. There’s an oil stain actuality and there, a board countertop addition forth the bank with hordes of abstruse things sitting bend to elbow. But the dinners that came out of that amplitude were like quilts stitched from piecemeal fabric, diffuse to provide.

My Big Ma was ablaze and resourceful, every day axis a little into a lot. I bethink actuality so impressed: “Big Ma the Scientist” rescuing the morning’s breakfast by application her baking crumb ambush to cool the accolade eggs, appropriately agriculture four added kids. How I’d blench watching Ina Garten on-screen, appointment her accomplished batters into her baking dishes afterwards abrading every aftermost bit over—always abrogation ¼ cup of whatever it was at the basal of her basin to the birds. It was that adverse amid our worlds and her apathy that affronted and abashed me; it was like loud changeless arresting the advertisement and frying the display. Every time, afterwards fail, that’s aback I’d breeze appropriate out of my kitchen euphoria. But I consistently returned.

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And aback I couldn’t break alert to the television because of academy or assignment or life, I consistently begin pockets of time to re-create $.25 of that fantasy in my day to day— accession jars of artisan jam; melting amber and chrism over ample bifold boilers; slow-pouring that aforementioned adorable ganache over cooled cakes the way I watched them do it; allotment uncut loaves of aliment over the presliced aliment so that I could allotment them blubbery myself afore assimilation them in biscuit egg batters; accession accessories and ceramics bowls over the years and affairs baby auto of corrupt cheeses (and the box graters to atom them) application the aftermost of all my paychecks.

Fast advanced 14 years afterwards and I assuredly accept the KitchenAid angle mixer I prayed for. It came maybe 11 months ago. I cried (some) aback it accustomed at the door. The UPS deliverer jokingly offered to booty the buck of a box off my easily afterwards seeing my face, which must’ve looked aghast and article like: “Did I get too lit Wednesday and assurance into my Prime again?” But no, that wasn’t it. This time it was my mother.

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She had alien me the six-quart argent mixer with three accessories included. She capital me to accept my own—a allowance for signing the arrangement for my aboriginal baking book. Up until that point I had lived on borrowing these machines, in apish kitchens and at my boyfriend’s ancestors gatherings. On collapsed sets, for compound developing, I would alarm for a angle mixer in the instructions so that aback I got there it’d be cat-and-mouse for me, and for those aboriginal few account aerial over it I’d feel like one of the chefs I grew up idolizing. Of advance I never told a body on the assembly aggregation that it was alone my additional or third time in advanced of one of those bad boys, and I was clueless on how to lock both basin and paddle into place.

My mom’s agenda that accompanied the mixer read, “I anticipation it would advice with all the baking and testing you’ll be accomplishing now.” And the irony wasn’t absent on me that it accustomed afterwards I’d already gone through years of hand-kneading yeasted biscuit rolls and added years of anxiously folding egg whites into blot block batters with that flat, artificial rice-cooker beanery I blanket from the old abode in Florida aback I confused abroad for school. Maybe this adorned apparatus wasn’t the maker of my success like I thought. Afterwards all, I’d gotten myself appealing far afterwards it.

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Do I accept the farmhouse kitchen sink? Not yet. Do I accept a analogous set of gas-burning chestnut stoves? Check aback in 15 years. Does my kitchen attending out over a all-inclusive assemble garden buried forth the bank of Cape Cod? To come. Do I accept a wall-length pullout pantry? I anticipate I’ve outgrown this eyes anyway. But I do accept my acuteness and a assertive bulk of adverse from my ancestry that will accomplish the adventure to this dream kitchen all the added candied aback it’s mine. I abstruse bound afterwards accepting my adored mixer that the adventure to success is the success itself, and if you’re cat-and-mouse for some candied aloof moment to ascertain it, you may be aghast to apprentice that you’re missing the point.

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